For the first time in forever

This is the one year anniversary of my new name. There is freedom in becoming who I always felt I was. I don't know if it was the actual name change or becoming a Meyers. I have never felt connected to my name, especially not my married name, so I wonder if that's why I have always struggled with who I am. 

 I have never fit in anywhere or with anyone. The one person who I fit neatly with, I managed to destroy that relationship because of my foolish actions. I know I can blame the asshole, but I took part in it. It was still early enough on that I could have walked away.  I miss my best friend.

 I still don't know who I am or what I want to be, but is for sure not what my life became over the last 30 years. 

I dont even know how to put into words how horribly sad and lost I feel. If I were brave enough, I would swallow the 4 bottles of valium I am have. Greg has destroyed everything all for his addictions and his OLD ASS GIRLFRIEND. I hate them both. They make me sick. Like so sick I want to throw up. My divorce lawyer is a piece of crap. This is why I trust no one. I cant even finish this thought.

My day so far

I never get invited anywhere. So much for people saying they want to spend time with me and then I go and see pics of them on facebook doing stuff. Without me.
You whole day started put as crap getting that text from Greg.  I hope he doesn't think he can bring his golf clubs back here and treaty house like it is his own personal free storage site. His crap needs to go.
I need to figure out how to get an rv and out of my lease

Work and other fun things

I go back to work tomorrow. Only the one shift scheduled so far, and i think most of my permissions are going to be gone, but at least I  going back. But now I am super nervous and can't get to sleep. I hope i dont mess this all up since one of the bosses is going to be there.
Today was the day my battery died. Had to have someone come out and jump start it. No way was i calling Greg to find out where the charger is. He still hasnt picked up his mail. Not sure what he is doing.

Time away

So from Facebook posts it looks like I went into the hospital either the day I got home, or the next,  Oct 4th. I know i could go back and read the texts from Laurie, but im not ready to read those yet.

Costume contests and rain

I went back to work today, but i dont think it was official. I judged the costume contest and found out im not actually working tomorrow like I thought.. I was just mixed up on the dates. Like always. But i had fun at the costume contest and hanging out with Anna. I would love to work with her in activities. I dont mess things up on purpose.
I need to call tomorrow about getting tires. Its going to be expensive, but very very necessary. Tommy needs to drive more so i can stop going in all the time. But i dont remember where I out all the paperwork for his driving hours.

Home. But for how long?

I have been home for a week. I  am terrified of being alone. It would seem i am not wanted anywhere. Not at work. Not with my friends. I'm not sure how I got to this place in my life. I know facebook doesnt really count, but its how I keep in contact with people. And when I see them talking to each other, posting fun pics, and not including me in anything, it makes my heart hurt.

 I am pretty sure I have been fired from my job, but no one is brave enough to tell me. I hope they pay me back for the Star Wars tickets soon, those were no gifts. I won't sit with any of them, I promise. They can have all the tickets but my 4. The only reason I got them when I did is because I have No Life.

 The hospital screwed up my brain. I can't remember anything. Or the date. Or when to eat. I have to drive Tommy to work today and see everyone and not be able to participate. They don't need me.

 Do they not understand it's people like me who quietly go away?

I get it now.

I am unlovable.